9天

結束了
我哭不出來
因為真的哭了太多天
原本假裝什麼都沒發生
但還是逃不過
他提了
還是提了
不適合
是真的不適合嗎
我把最終要的兩樣東西給了他
第一次
還有我的心
恬叫我不要陷太深
我知道
我當然知道
可是這哪是我能控制的呢
愛了就愛了
再壞再爛的也還不是愛上了
愛逞強的我
平平靜靜的跟他分手了
我還要當朋友
他卻要逃避
我怎麼遇到的都是懦夫
為了他決定要做的事
我還是要做
我要變白變瘦變漂亮變氣質
不要再講髒話
不要再講話不經過大腦
或許
這樣會比較容易交到男朋友
或許
他會再喜歡上我
男生 說什麼喜歡你的直接 都是假的
女人們 跟你說 這全是假的
他們都喜歡乖乖的 假假的人
沒有男人是喜歡你的真面目
他們要的是完美的女人

現在最可悲的不是我單身了
是我沒有朋友可以傾訴
真的是
在最慘的時候才發現自己朋友是多麼的少
誰叫自己對朋友的定義要求那麼高
真可笑
想出去逛逛
可是這樣大概會自己哭著回來
因為沒有人可以跟我一起嘻嘻哈哈
朋友啊 快回來吧
我需要你們

I would never learn...

I know I should learn to love the things that loves me, not the things I love.
But I just wouldn't learn!
Why do I keep on falling in love with the ones that doesn't care about me?
I tried, I really did...
I thought he liked me
I thought he is deceant
So I chose him
But now that I am completely I'm love with him
He happens to not like me as much as I think
Or even
As much as he thought.

Why
Why do I always make the same mistakes?
Now that I couldn't and wouldn't end this
I have to suffer everyday
With him totally ignoring me
If I didn't rush
If I didn't wanted a boyfriend
If I didn't wanted so bad for someone to love me
This wouldn't have happened 
I wouldn't have to stay at home
Study EILTS just because he wanted me to
Couldn't do anything I like just because he thinks it's a waste of time 
Wait for him to reply my simple message and couldn't even dare to ask his about
Every single night,
Waiting for him to walk in the door just to see his face
But in return
All I get is a look
That look of regrets and tiredness 
As if it was all my fault
As if I ruined his life

I could walk away and end this
But I couldn't
Physically and mentally couldn't do it
I like him
A lot
More than I should
I gave him a lot 
More than I could
I tried

I kiss him in his sleep
He leaves in the morning without a single look
Leaving me speechless on the bed
I remember everything he says to me
Even the bad ones
But he forgets everything I say
Even the important ones


I'm in love with a man 
That doesn't even care about me.
help...

August 10th

It was the day
the day we admitted our love for each other

kept on telling myself not to rush
but i wasn't rushing
it was just simply because we were both already in love
i guess
at least i am
i am in love
at last
after 3 years of total bash of self confidence and pride
i thought i was not worthy of love anymore
nobody wanted me
although i just told myself that im not beautiful enough
telling myself that the standards here are too high
that guys only wanted tall girls
they only wanted skinny girls
girls with fair skin
girls with pretty eyes
girls with clear skin
girls with silky hair
girls with sweet voice
girls that were GIRLY

i just kept on lying to myself no matter how much i think im beautiful on the inside
i know im beautiful
i love my height
 even if im short, i can wear higher heels and not look like a giraffe
i love my curvy body
 even if some clothes don't fit me
i love my tanned skin
 even if they are different than the others
i love my bright eyes
 even if they are small
i love my skin
 even if they are kinda rough, but i don't get big pimples
i love my long thick hair
 even if they are not silky smooth
i love my deep sexy voice
 even if they sound like a boy sometimes
i love my cool attitude
 of which most girls don't have

i love myself
and i am not afraid to say that
who cares about the beauty standards here
ive been keeping myself in a box just because of these stupid rules!
i am beautiful
i know i am
and now
he knows too

today is our first day
even though it had only been a week
but we know we liked each other since the first day we've met on the bus to Kenting
he fell in love with the way i smooth my hair to one side
and i fall in love with him just because he's so cool and sweet to me

Dear God
ive been waiting  patiently for my other half to arrive
and now he's here
please
please
let us be together as long as we could
please help us get through any trouble me might face
i really like him
i really do
Thank you.

이철

你昨天晚上很誇張耶, 到底是不是gay啊(笑


那就要看你喜不喜歡我嘍