Isolation : Last Day

Alarm wake me from my bad dream at 10am
Been having similar dreams these past week
Dreamt of him cheating on me
In my dreams
No matter what he does with his girl in front of me
I could never say anything
Couldn't yell or do anything
I just shut up and keep the pain inside me

"To see your boyfriend in your dream, represents your waking relationship with him and how you feel about him.
To dream that your mate, spouse, or significant other is cheating on you, indicates your fears of being abandoned. You may feel a lack of attention in the relationship.

Yes
I am insecure
I'm constantly afraid of losing him
Not necessary him cheating on me
But the mere thought of him leaving me is so scary that I keep on having dreams about it

Whatever happens in my dreams
I still have to go on with my day

The day was boring
Had an office gathering after work
It was okay
Arrived home at 8pm
Cleaned up the room a little
He's coming home tomorrow
Finnaly
My nightmare is over
Or so I think
HMMM....

Isolation : Day 6

早上找了很多人
終於成功付款了
謝謝小黃幫我付
葉少爺你快點回來啦
我工作很麻煩耶

昨天收回的風機原來是要騙我錢
現在他說我要賠償他
說他損失大
變成說足球跟風機不能算我便宜
打電話給少爺後
決定全退

從早上11點吵到3點
真的很傷身
跟他說了要全退後他又妥協了
就收我兩個足球跟兩個風機的錢
累死我了
好不容易解決後
唐亮又說足球要掛著的
暈
現在變成說有4個足球
兩個掛 兩個地上的
會不會被罵我不知道
少爺一定會罵我是不用說的
希望可以報銷比較重要


看來最近吃的壞掉的食物是真的壞掉
哈哈
我很喜歡自作自受
每次知道食物壞了都覺得很可惜
為了不浪費
只要不發黴都會吃掉
昨天用酸了的肉煮了肉醬意大利面來吃
肚子痛到現在
但這樣應該會瘦吧
嘻嘻
給少爺知道他又要罵我了

10:30pm
少爺自動打給我
太開心了
聊了半個小時
他又受不了了
說要去大便
然後就掛了
唉

Then I continue with my Youtube life
My friend of the night is Xiaxue

2:20am
Going to bed!

Isolation : Day 5

Wrote this on Day 6 so that means good
Since I don't have much to say means nothing happened

The usuals:
Work
Home
Youtube

Lets talk a little bout work
公司為了迎接世界杯要搞活動
月頭就定了的充氣吉祥物今天到了
打開看了質量覺得很差
但因為原本答應好的風機還沒到
就沒有充起來看看了
想說等隔天
結果晚上到家
賣家發了他們充起來的照片給我
我操
完全不一樣東西
真的無語
跟他吵了一晚
終於同意退款
但是他說風機要收回3臺反正用不到
我說好
之後我找了別家
比較好看還比較便宜
答應我5號發貨10號到貨
希望這個不會爽約

之後洗澡就睡覺了
最近都3,4點才睡
都是Running Man的錯

This is what they promised

This scary thing is what they made

Seriously?

對話才好笑

我說很醜，跟答應的不一樣

他說哪裏不一樣呢親

幹

你是腦殘還是瞎的

Isolation : Day 4

Yet another early start at 5:30am
Stupid taxi bailed on me at the very last minute
But luckily the app DiDiTaxi is quite fast so I arrived earlier than usual
It was a great morning since I got enough sleep last night
Work is boring as usual
Went supplies shopping for Bakery department
Ran out of cash and borrowed a little from Bar Dept. manager's credit card
4pm and finally off work
Procrastinated a little and suddenly realize its 11pm

His mom said he will come back at 11pm after his high school friends gathering
He texted at 11:11pm said he's gonna have some food with Uncle Choo
I waited for an hour without any response thinking I should have just bathe first
Finally called at 12:26am
He told me he's busy this whole day and couldn't reply my message
I told him bullshit
He got angry and hung up

Like what was I suppose to say?
"Oh you're busy drinking with friends so much that you cant even take a second to text me *I'm drinking with Eric* ?"
Like it only takes a fucking second to type that!
It's so obvious that he doesn't even wanna try
Why do guys always do this?
Make himself into a jerk and force you to be the one to break it up
Make you go insane about everything and couldn't function
Make you feel like suicide and just give up
I thought you're the one who said 感情是两个人的
Then what the fuck are you doing now?
Are you gonna say you're TRYING?
Do you even dare to say that out loud?
Lie to yourself?
And then make me end our relationship so you feel like you're innocent?
Waste all our precious time?
Douchebag Motherfucker
I really wanna destroy everything now
You're too cold hearted to even think of hanging up after neglecting me the whole day
Do you know what I always worry about every time you get mad at me and "give up" like you always do?
I'm afraid that once we have children, you would just leave like your dad did to you and your mom
That's what I'm afraid of
Now don't you dare say I think too much
That is highly possible
You can't even handle me how are you gonna handle kids?

I texted his mom and asked for her help
Hoping for her to persuade him to talk to me
Fingers crossed
Almost 1am and I don't think he's gonna call me


1am he called
We had a half an hour talk
He tried to explain the neglecting
I mean I get it but I also don't
I know he's busy
But I don't know why he doesn't try to make it work
If it was me
I could'hv just stopped, tell my friend that I have to take a call, or simply just texted him about who I'm with and what I'm doing
Or if you don't want to look like a jerk in front of your friends
Just go to the restroom and text! You have to pee right?
I mean if other people's boyfriend can do it(the reassurance)
Why couldn't he?
And you see why I think he's making excuses
So after the conversation I still think he doesn't have the excuse to not even read my message for the whole 24 hours
If you have time to pee, you have time to text

Anyways, it was a good talk I guess
This time he did try
He talked to me patiently
Try to make sense to me
And promised to try and make time for me
Hope he keeps his promised
Should'hv press record

One other thing I couldn't explain is the physical pain I'm getting every time I'm missing him...
When is it ever gonna go away?
The pain is so bad I really couldn't function except just cry helplessly
It will last around 3 minutes depending on how long my "extreme cry" lasts
(like the part where the cry hits climax)
Maybe it just means that I really do love him










Shit
What if he really does cheat on me
Shouldhv marked the condom I put in to make sure it's the original one
GAH
If he really do wanna cheat then I couldn't stop him either
Whatever happens happened
Well not yet but you know
If it does I would have no choice
2 actually
Stay or Leave













I don't know.

Isolation : Day 3

My day started at 5AM sharp
After the extreme cry 2 hours ago
My eyes wouldn't open larger than 30%
Called the taxi and waited for its arrival
Really hope today would go by faster
Or at least let me have time to get some shut eye
I might just die if I don't

Last night's sleep
Well I should say 2 hours ago
Was DREADFUL
Had a tiring dream and got startled by my time bomb alarm clock sound
All I could think of after that is only him

Went to work, boring as always
Running Man keeps me sane (in a way
At least I'm laughing all the time

He replied:
感情本來就是要互相信任
你可能看到的是你所沒有的
但是人都是不滿足的
知足常樂才是福

Totally missed my point!
What I meant was
SPEND SOME FUCKING TIME ON ME YOU MOTHERFUCKER
GOD!!!
I was so speechless when I read his message
I just want you to be concern and care about me more!
Ignoring is the total opposite but it's the only thing he does best
URGH
I wanna vomit...
Sometimes I just felt like giving up
Nothing is going my way these days

I'm gonna get some sleep and forget about things that bugs me especially him right now
Or else I might just explode
...
..
.


Wait...
他怎麽會突然提到信任
難道他這次回去找了誰嗎
之前說的同學聚會該不會...

No evidence on Facebook
Check everything except the new notifications
I'm gonna wait till he finish checking then it's my turn to stalk
..
.
Checked
Nothing
So what the hell is he busying about?

11:30pm I called him via Line
He's celebrating his mom's birthday early at the karaoke
Tells me his going home soon and will call
We'll see

As expected, it's 1am and he still hasn't called
I'm gonna go to bed now and try not to care


Finally he called at 2am
It was a decent chat, mostly about work and nothing about us since his mom is beside him
Mr.Ma came back to SZX this morning and he will soon have some free time for me
That is IF he chooses to do so
Had a pretty okay sleep afterwards

Isolation : Day 2

Some bitch turned off my air-conditioning
Woken me up at 9:45am shit
My alarm is set to go off at 10am
I STILL GOT 15 MINUTES LEFT BITCH
Turned on the stupid fan that so so far away and kept on sleeping

Tossed and turned
As expected
Couldn't fall asleep
Went on my everyday Buzzfeed Routine
And Instagram but after awhile my cellphone starts to burn my hands so I finally stopped procrastinating and went on with getting ready

He called last night at 2am
His mom told me that he went out with his Canadian friend for a drink
So this time I wasn't so mad
He just doesn't get it
By just sending me a simple text about what he's doing is enough to stop me from worrying and shut me up
And he gotta make me go ask his mom what the hell he's doing
URGH
Anyways
We chatted a little about his day
And he asked about the Akamoto I put in his bag

To be honest
I don't know what I was thinking when I put it in
Is it to prevent something from happening?
Or to encourage him?
It just felt like I'm saying
"If you really wanna cheat on me, at least use a condom."
Now I'm here worrying if he'll come back without it in his bag anymore
Then what should I do?
I'm the one that put it in
Really hope he's  not that stupid

And finally before hanging up he said
"你還蠻關心我的."
Seriously?
You only notice it now?
Such an ass

Alright I must admit I'm pretty happy to hear it
But also a little sad
Cuz it means he thinks I don't take care of him before up till now
WTF
After all I did for him for a year and he only notice when i put a condom in his bag
Douche

11:15am I'm going to work
Damn the weather
One second it's pouring rain, then it's skin-cancer sunshine
Haven't eaten anything until 4pm
Not really hungry though, might be because of M.C. (Mariah Carey LOL)
Surprisingly I'm in a much more cheerful mood today


...




..




.


NOPE

I guess I tried too hard not to cry and I finally failed
I BROKE
Cried for a good 20 minutes I think
Sent too much messages to him that I think he's gonna block me like he did last time

Am I really that unimportant to him?
So much that he has the time to take photos but none to text me?
That he can sit and drink coffee with his mom the whole afternoon and not even call me?
For the whole fucking day?
Are you really that busy?
That you can't even spare 10 minutes on me during your whole 24 hours?
Seriously?
Called and hang up in a minute
Making me feel like the idiot that waited till you call and wasted my sleeping time cuz I know you're busy and I couldn't disturb you

I feel so small
What am I doing
I really hope it's just emotion talking
This is so stupid
But it's so unfair
Life is so unfair

你是男人嗎
是男人的話為什麼不讓我依靠
整天要我獨立
我要獨立的話就不會跟你在一起了

你不在的這段日子我非常獨立
像回到大學一樣獨立
我每天再忙也會想你關心你
你卻完全不回我
我還是得繼續過下去
但當我夜深人靜需要你的時候
你卻1分鐘內打發我
你說我會怎麼想

你真的有心要繼續下去嗎？




又是一篇很長的日記
這7天剩下5天了
痛苦才正要開始
5天是很漫長的





加油吧！ 讓他驚訝！

Isolation : Day 1

He woke me up while getting his keys

at 8:35AM

I wish he wouldn't leave but I know he doesn't want to either

He kissed me on the forehead and the door closes

I thought I couldn't cry anymore since I've already cried for 2 straight days

I thought wrong

As always

I turn off the pain by unplugging my graphic card

It worked for awhile

Listening to Wish You Were Here triggered my emotions

But I just kept going on

I ate dumplings instead of the usual ramen

Went out to purchase company's order with TangLiang

Then he drove me home

Wishing the work was more so it can make me busier 

So I wouldn't have free time to think

Silence in the room makes it harder

So I'm glad I have Ray, Anna and Derrick to talk to me

Wellcast videos help too

6:30pm

Oh the horror

To go down or not to go down

I should, but I really don't want to

The salty, oily food that gives you kidney disease 

The horrible horrible people fake smiling

And the pure pressure of eating in front of my boss

I'm having indigestion just thinking about it

Oh what the heck

My plan for tonight is to eat a little and then work out

So I might as well endure the physical pain twice

Boss bought a Mopidick-s for hubby

"Hunny I told you your dad loves you! Silly boy"

Socializing with a bunch of retards isn't hard

Pretending that I didn't care that one of them is talking shit about me right to my face is way easy

C'mon guys

I have won a Best Actress for The Yeh Household Award

I'm invincible

8:30pm and I couldn't handle it..

I fell asleep

and at 9pm a jerk woke me up

URGH

why does my work bother me 24 hours a day?

Failed task today : Working Out.

I'm just too tired to do it

Or maybe it's just the food coma

Shouldn't have eating rice

I'm too full to move

9:30pm and I'm starting to get a little worried

He promised me to text right after he lands but till now not a word or a reply

I've sent via Line, via WeChat and even direct text message

He should be able to get it

What's happening?

Trying so hard to turn off my Graphic Card again SHEESH

I promised myself to go to bed at 11pm 

But it's already 12am and he still hasn't call me

Really hoping it's just because he's busy

Although I never get how anyone couldn't spare 5 minutes to text or call

Is it so hard?

I ate up my feelings

I mean Oreos and Pockys

Finish my day with happiness from Simon and Martina

Hoping to get a sweet dream

And wake up feeling blessed tomorrow

Fingers crossed.