Monday, May 19, 2014

Isolation : Day 4

Yet another early start at 5:30am
Stupid taxi bailed on me at the very last minute
But luckily the app DiDiTaxi is quite fast so I arrived earlier than usual
It was a great morning since I got enough sleep last night
Work is boring as usual
Went supplies shopping for Bakery department
Ran out of cash and borrowed a little from Bar Dept. manager's credit card
4pm and finally off work
Procrastinated a little and suddenly realize its 11pm

His mom said he will come back at 11pm after his high school friends gathering
He texted at 11:11pm said he's gonna have some food with Uncle Choo
I waited for an hour without any response thinking I should have just bathe first
Finally called at 12:26am
He told me he's busy this whole day and couldn't reply my message
I told him bullshit
He got angry and hung up

Like what was I suppose to say?
"Oh you're busy drinking with friends so much that you cant even take a second to text me *I'm drinking with Eric* ?"
Like it only takes a fucking second to type that!
It's so obvious that he doesn't even wanna try
Why do guys always do this?
Make himself into a jerk and force you to be the one to break it up
Make you go insane about everything and couldn't function
Make you feel like suicide and just give up
I thought you're the one who said 感情是两个人的
Then what the fuck are you doing now?
Are you gonna say you're TRYING?
Do you even dare to say that out loud?
Lie to yourself?
And then make me end our relationship so you feel like you're innocent?
Waste all our precious time?
Douchebag Motherfucker
I really wanna destroy everything now
You're too cold hearted to even think of hanging up after neglecting me the whole day
Do you know what I always worry about every time you get mad at me and "give up" like you always do?
I'm afraid that once we have children, you would just leave like your dad did to you and your mom
That's what I'm afraid of
Now don't you dare say I think too much
That is highly possible
You can't even handle me how are you gonna handle kids?

I texted his mom and asked for her help
Hoping for her to persuade him to talk to me
Fingers crossed
Almost 1am and I don't think he's gonna call me

1am he called
We had a half an hour talk
He tried to explain the neglecting
I mean I get it but I also don't
I know he's busy
But I don't know why he doesn't try to make it work
If it was me
I could'hv just stopped, tell my friend that I have to take a call, or simply just texted him about who I'm with and what I'm doing
Or if you don't want to look like a jerk in front of your friends
Just go to the restroom and text! You have to pee right?
I mean if other people's boyfriend can do it(the reassurance)
Why couldn't he?
And you see why I think he's making excuses
So after the conversation I still think he doesn't have the excuse to not even read my message for the whole 24 hours
If you have time to pee, you have time to text

Anyways, it was a good talk I guess
This time he did try
He talked to me patiently
Try to make sense to me
And promised to try and make time for me
Hope he keeps his promised
Should'hv press record

One other thing I couldn't explain is the physical pain I'm getting every time I'm missing him...
When is it ever gonna go away?
The pain is so bad I really couldn't function except just cry helplessly
It will last around 3 minutes depending on how long my "extreme cry" lasts
(like the part where the cry hits climax)
Maybe it just means that I really do love him

What if he really does cheat on me
Shouldhv marked the condom I put in to make sure it's the original one
If he really do wanna cheat then I couldn't stop him either
Whatever happens happened
Well not yet but you know
If it does I would have no choice
2 actually
Stay or Leave

I don't know.

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